Falling Leaves
by Angel of Fire SG1
Summary: Falling. Fading. Gone. She had lost her chance to ever have what she had always wanted, that's what happens when you wait...(SJ)(WARNING: Character Death)


**Spoilers: **_Forever in a Day, Heroes pt II_

**Season: **_Future _

**Pairings: **_Sam/Jack_

**Warnings: **_Character Death_

**Disclaimer: **_I don't own Stargate…lots of other people do…but they excluded me when signing contracts…such a pity…_

**_Fallen Leaves_**

_Falling._

She felt herself falling down the mud wall, everything around her twisting into some horrible nightmare, one she had never wanted to exist. One she should wake up from at any moment and thank her lucky stars that it was over.

But she wasn't waking up.

She wasn't thanking her lucky stars.

"No…" she felt the word whispered from her mouth, barely audible.

She hit the ground, leaning forward and grabbing the Earth in front of her. She crawled, one arm length at a time, towards the figure she had seen fall. She felt the mud, the rain, the blood, all caked on her face, but the only pain she could feel was emotion.

She reached forward, grabbing the green fatigues in her hand, pulling at them.

"Wake up," she whispered.

All sound seemed to blur and fade into one constant whirring of bullets and staff blasts. She was aware of what was happening around her, but she didn't care, it wasn't important to her.

She grabbed his face and turned it towards her own.

"Sir," she said, still holding his face. "Wake up. Please wake up."

No movement.

"DAMNIT!" she screamed. "WAKE UP!"

She grabbed his shoulders and shook them, willing him to wake up, willing him to be alive. Instead he lay still, his body motionless, his eyes shut. She bunched up his jacket shoulder in her left fist, clenching her hand hard, trying not to burst into tears.

"Jack…" she spoke his name, unfamiliar to her lips, yet so easily spoken from them. "Jack…you can't be dead…I won't let you be dead."

_Still._

She fell forward, laying her head on his chest, hoping for movement, at the same time knowing it wasn't there, and reaching for a moment of intimacy before he was gone forever. She did not want to let him go. Looking forward all she saw was blankness.

_Nothingness._

She slipped her hand into his, at the same time holding her arm around his body, holding it, willing it to move. She gripped his hand tightly, squeezing it, hoping it would wake him.

_Hoping_.

She let the tears well up in her eyes, clouding her vision, choking her. She didn't want him to be gone, she couldn't go on without him. It was like someone had just taken away her life, forever, destroyed all hope she'd ever had. She resigned herself to dying there, willing a staff blast to hit her, willing herself to join him.

_"I remember something," he said._

_She looked at him expectantly. So far he had yet to provide any memories of their real life. Where they'd come from._

_"A man…he's bald and wears a short sleeved shirt…and somehow he's very important to me," he said, then after a moment's thought added. "I think his name is Homer."_

_She thought about it for a moment. "Doesn't ring a bell…"_

_There was a moments silence as they enjoyed each other's company._

_"You?" he asked._

_She shook her head. "Just a lot of vague images…"_

_She was lying, she remembered more. She remembered caring for him, remembered emotions so deep that she wasn't sure he even knew about them. She watched him for a moment before placing her head on his shoulder._

_"You know there are things about this place that I like," she said._

_"Really?" he asked, sounding disbelieving, looking at her as he spoke._

_She felt the movement of his head and looked up to meet his eyes. After a long moment he seemed to get the idea._

_"Oooh…" he breathed it out so quietly it was barely audible as a word._

_Silence for a few moments, she knew he was watching her._

_"Would it help if I told you that I remember something else?" he said._

_She looked up at him quickly but he looked away. She turned her vision away as well._

_"Feelings…" he stated._

_"Feelings?" it was a statement more than a question._

_"I remember feeling, feelings…" he said._

_She looked up at him slightly. "For me?"_

_He paused for a moment. "No…for Tor…"_

_She laughed, pressing her head into his arm for a moment before returning it to the position on his shoulder. He always made her smile._

_"I don't remember much…but I do remember that," he said in all seriousness._

_"So…" she said._

_"So, I'm just saying," he said. _

_"Well then I feel better…" she said._

_They returned to sitting silently, enjoying each other's company. Not wanting to move, wanting to be with each other…_

"Sam."

The world came back into focus. The firing noises had gone, her vision still completely blurred. For a moment she thought it was him, that she had been dreaming, but as she sat up she saw Daniel staring down at her, a sad expression on his face.

She closed her eyes, still feeling her hand holding his, but as she let go it was completely limp. There was no life in him, he was gone.

"We have to get him to a sarcophagus," she said.

"We can't…Sam…he's gone," Daniel said.

"No! He can't be," she said, her eyes snapping open and glaring at him.

But it was an empty glare, there was no anger in her eyes, only sadness. Only distraught. Only emptiness.

More movement as someone else ran over, stopping by Daniel's side and dropping to his knees.

"O'Neill…"

The Jaffa warrior's eyes reflected the same loss and sadness that Sam's did. She watched him, feeling her pain mirrored in him. Jack had been the one to accept Teal'c, to help him leave the Jaffa. Because of Jack, Teal'c had been able to live life how he wished, no longer under the influence of a false Goa'uld he didn't believe in. He owed everything to Jack.

"They're gone for now, but they'll be back," Daniel said, the only voice of reason in the group.

Sam felt sudden anger rise up inside her. How did he not care? How could he suggest leaving now? How dare he tell her that he couldn't be saved.

"We have to save him, Daniel," she said, meaning it to be angry, but instead coming out softly, painfully.

"By the time we get him to a sarcophagus it'll be too late," Daniel said. "It'll take weeks, maybe months, to gain access to one."

"The Tok'ra…" she choked on her suggestion. "Don't the Tok'ra…?"

Daniel shook his head.

_Bang_.

They all looked around as they heard another explosion, signalling the beginning of a second wave of attacks.

She reached for his neck, pulling his dog tags off from around his neck, clenching them in her fist.

Teal'c bent over, hoisting Jack's body over his shoulders and standing up slowly, unbalanced by the added weight. Without hesitation Teal'c began jogging towards the Stargate. Sam stared at the blood on the ground for a long moment. It was his blood, the last blood he would ever spill.

_Forever._

She felt the touch of a hand lightly on her shoulder.

"Sam, we have to go."

She nodded and turned around, running after Teal'c, not waiting for Daniel to keep up with her. Angry at him for destroying her hope. Angry at him because he came back. Because he had the chance to live again and Jack didn't.

She pushed away the tears as they reached the Stargate. Daniel jogged up to the DHD and dialled Earth, Sam got ready her GDO, watching Teal'c standing with Jack over her shoulders. He was still there, to her looking like he did when he was alive. She didn't want to look at him, yet she couldn't pull her eyes away.

_Drawn._

The wormhole established and she pressed her IDC into the GDO. Soon Teal'c and then Daniel disappeared through the gate, leaving her alone on the planet for a few moments. She turned back around, looking at the strewn bodies of the Jaffa, hating them for killing him.

She turned and ran through the gate, wanting to leave it behind, a part of her still hoping that when she reached the other side it would be a nightmare that she could wake up from.

The familiar alarms and the array of weapons pointed at her told her this wasn't a dream. She saw Teal'c exiting the Gateroom, followed by a team of medics, obviously reluctant to put his body down.

She felt herself sit down, right where she was on the gate ramp. She couldn't bring herself to move, couldn't breath properly. She found herself shaking, tears running uncontrollably down her face. She grabbed her knees and brought them up to her chest, resting her head on her knees, rocking back and forth like a child having woken from a nightmare.

Except she wasn't waking from one, she was stuck in one.

_"Still going fishing sir?"_

_"Still staying here?"_

She wanted to kick herself, to rewind time and take the opportunities.

_"Was that an invitation, sir?"_

_"Nothing wrong with that, a couple of co-workers, friends if you will…"_

She felt people around her, people asking her questions. But she knew they weren't him. She wanted to hug him, but she couldn't, because he wasn't there. Never again would she hold him in her arms, never would she be able to accept a fishing invitation, never would she kiss him and tell him she loved him.

At her last thought she began to shake convulsively, unable to stop it. She didn't feel like she could let out her emotions, they were stuck inside of her, bursting to get out, but they couldn't.

"Colonel Carter…" a voice said. Siler? She didn't know.

_Carter_.

That's what he had called her. He had been the only one to do so. To everyone else she was 'Samantha' or 'Sam' or 'Colonel' but to him she was Carter. She wanted to stand up and run, forever, she felt she could run for the rest of her life, but still she would not be able to run far enough away for the hurt to be any less.

She couldn't even bring herself to move, to stand up. She was stuck on the gate ramp, shaking.

Sirens.

She felt arms grabbing her, pulling her up. She fought them.

"Let me go!" she said.

"Colonel there's an incoming wormhole, you'll be killed!" someone said.

She refused to move. She wanted to die, she didn't want to be alive anymore. There was nothing for her here. She felt someone tugging at her, but she fought them off, strength she didn't know she had.

She heard the last chevron lock into place. Closing her eyes she waited for the inevitable…but then the familiar sound of the iris shutting just in time prevented it. She ran to the iris, kicking it.

"LET ME IN!" she screamed, breaking down and crying again.

"Get her away from the event horizon!"

The order came from an unfamiliar voice. Not Jack's. It should be him giving that order. But instead it was some Air Force General she didn't know. She didn't care.

She felt the arms dragging her away now. She had no energy left, no will to fight. Instead she let them take her to the infirmary.

His body was there, lying on a hospital bed. But no one was paying attention to it. The hustle and bustle to the infirmary occurring around in, but not because of him. Teal'c and Daniel stood at his side.

The tears stopped as she walked over. Seeing him like that, it was almost believable that he was alive. Someone had removed his bloody jacket, the wound not visible from the front.

She felt a strong arm around her and knew it was Teal'c. She leaned in against him, turning so she could place her head against his chest. Needing comfort.

From the corner of her eye she could still see his body, laying still. Her eyes were filled with tears, but she was not crying, not like before. She held her hand up, letting his dog-tags dangle from it.

_Brigadier General Jack O'Neill_

His name hung before her, hypnotising her. Memories flooded her brain. Unable to keep them apart she let them flow.

Happy.

Sad.

Laughter.

Tears.

Comfort.

Fights.

Every little joke he'd ever made came flooding back to her. Her stomach clenched. She wanted to vomit, but she didn't. The silver still dangling in front of her, she watched it. He had made her laugh, made her smile, more than anyone else in her life. He had changed her too, made her more open, more relaxed. She loved him for that, and she loved him for more than that. She had never truly known when or how she had fallen in love with him, but she had.

And now he was gone.

_Dead._

Still in Teal'c's arms she felt a flash of memory of when her mother had died. As a fourteen-year-old, needing comfort, but instead standing alone, her brother and father mere feet away, but they might as well have been on the other end of the universe.

Now she had her friends. She had Daniel and Teal'c. Her previous anger towards Daniel evaporated, she could see he was as upset as they were, only he had been the voice of reason, as he always was.

She felt Teal'c tense, trying to fight off tears. His jaw was trembling, but being the warrior he was he tried to hold it back. She placed her arms around him, returning the comfort he was giving her.

Then she drew away, walking slowly to the edge of the infirmary bed. She sat down on the bed, drawing her feet up so they were positioned on the edge of the bed. She took his limp hand and held it between both hers. She watched him. Overwhelming emotions playing within her.

He would want her to live.

He would want her to be happy.

But how?

She couldn't be happy, not without him. She felt more tears approach as she thought of Charlie, of how the pain must have been ten fold of what she was feeling at that moment. How had he survived? He had fought on, and he'd pulled through, eventually.

She knew it had hurt him every single day, every time he saw a child, a family, a photo of his son. But he had found something new to live for. The Stargate. The fight against the Goa'uld.

_Her_.

She gulped and looked down at his hand. She would never find him again. Not in anyone. There was no possible way she could find anything that could bring her back to how she had been.

She didn't want to live without him. But she knew that he would want her to go on, and that alone was enough to keep her going.

"Sam…"

Daniel again.

"Yes," she said.

"I know…how you feel…" he said slowly.

Sam closed her eyes. Of course he knew. He had lost Sha're, the person who cared about more than anything in the universe. Not only that, he had lost her twice. Soon after to have Sarah, someone who he had once had strong feelings for, taken by the Goa'uld. And then there was Janet. She knew there had been something more than friendship between them, even if neither had ever admitted it to themselves.

"As do I…"

Teal'c. Had lost his wife, although estranged from her, she was sure he had still had feelings about her. They both kept going, they both found it within themselves to keep on living life.

She nodded slowly and slightly, not able to find her voice. While it didn't seem fair that this was happening to her, it had happened to all of them.

It was stupid of her to think they were safe.

Just because they were SG-1.

**A/N: **_This is part one, there's a part two coming…._


End file.
